There was a time when I had these huge dreams. I wanted to accomplish everything at an young age, I was scared if my dreams would die like that of my parents. I would even think of never getting married because the way I saw, it trapped you. I would write songs and think of having them recorded and even plan a whole music video, imagine it playing on the radios. However I didn't have that kind of money. I wrote novels and imagined getting them published and sold, getting prizes for those. I laugh when I remember I actually even met a lot of publishers by searching the addresses and going there alone, when I was just 18 or less. The thing was, I was so stupidly determined I would do something big, become someone famous at an early age. We've all read biographies where people started at an young age, nobody believed them and they ended up big right? I was determined, that it was my fate to become a famous person like that. But more than that, I was scared, what if I die without making that happen?
Well, what has changed now then? I don't write for any specific purpose like that anymore, I don't get excited when someone bluffs about getting my song recorded, and I am not so hell bent on becoming a celebrity. Why did that change? I have no exact idea, maybe I realised it wasn't as easy as I imagined and maybe I wasn't ready to dropout of a well planned life to struggle in something out of the line. Maybe I realised there is no hurry and I can do all that slowly, or maybe I just came to the realisation that there is no shame in living an ordinary life. No shame in having a family, a regular mainstream job and not being known by millions of people or your talents. Its not like my dreams are dead already, maybe I will make those happen someday, who knows? But right now I choose not to hate and not to think of escaping the life I am living, but instead I plan to make it better, happier and something worth being remembered for; even if it is in a small scale. The fear of oblivion is still there, only that now I dream of being remembered among a smaller group of close people for good things, if not for huge things. But most of all, I just want to be happy when I die someday, even if I'm not famous. :)
Well, what has changed now then? I don't write for any specific purpose like that anymore, I don't get excited when someone bluffs about getting my song recorded, and I am not so hell bent on becoming a celebrity. Why did that change? I have no exact idea, maybe I realised it wasn't as easy as I imagined and maybe I wasn't ready to dropout of a well planned life to struggle in something out of the line. Maybe I realised there is no hurry and I can do all that slowly, or maybe I just came to the realisation that there is no shame in living an ordinary life. No shame in having a family, a regular mainstream job and not being known by millions of people or your talents. Its not like my dreams are dead already, maybe I will make those happen someday, who knows? But right now I choose not to hate and not to think of escaping the life I am living, but instead I plan to make it better, happier and something worth being remembered for; even if it is in a small scale. The fear of oblivion is still there, only that now I dream of being remembered among a smaller group of close people for good things, if not for huge things. But most of all, I just want to be happy when I die someday, even if I'm not famous. :)
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